A Tomato Story

Ecclesiastes 3

Everything Has Its Time

1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,  And a time to die;

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

Galations 6:9

⁹ And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

     These tomatoes truly amaze me!  I bought and planted this tomato bush in early spring, and  though you can see the wire cage I placed over the tomato plant for its protection, the cage was placed just a little too late.  I put it up there to protect the new tomato plant I had to buy.  A deer chomped the top of this one off.   In fact, if you look carefully in this picture of the foliage of this tomato plant, you can see the place where the stock was previously chewed up.  (It is very difficult to see.  The plant has healed wonderfully--there's another blog, I think!)

I don't know why I didn't pluck the plant up when it was first eaten.  I guess I felt sorry for the poor little tomato, and I said to myself, "Well, let's just see what happens." 

       But I have been thinking about this tomato and what it represents.  I keep thinking about my hopes and dreams, and how the tomatoes could be a representation of those.   Even though I have faced many, many obstacles (like the plant chewed to the ground), there is a season for reaping, and as these fat, soon-to-be juicy tomatoes show, that time is close at hand!  My job in all this, is to trust in God and not grow weary in the waiting.  I will reap!

Overcoming Depression

     And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. 

     Revelation 12:20

     I've been having an argument with God!  It's not so much I think He's wrong; it's more I don't want to do what He's telling me to do.  When I started writing this book, it started out very simple--just the pictures and Sriptures to go with them.  But then, I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to write more and share parts of my testimony.  I felt Him saying, "Be transparent." 

     So then, when I started writing for this photo, nothing I wrote seemed to fit, and everything seemed trite.  So I consulted with the Holy Spirit, and I really didn't like what He told me.  I felt Him telling me I should share my struggle with depression, and that is what started my arguments.
     My first argument was the Scripture I had chosen didn't match.  That was no problem for God; He gave me a different Scripture.
    Then I argued I didn't know how to start sharing about this.  Again, this posed no problem for God!  He reminded me He asked me to be transparent, and the promptly gave several ideas to choos from.  To top it off, He had a friend of mine and my daughter both encourage me I could do this.
     Finally, I got down to the real issues in my heart.  I didn't want to share about my depression because I have a pride thing going.  How can I, after writing about finding the secret place with my Heavenly Father, admit I'm still in the process of finding healing for depression?  In my mind, I find no logic for the depression.  Plus, if I'm writing a book, I should be an example to others.  How can an admission of such a struggle be anything except a stumbling block to others?
     Once again, the Holy Spirit reminded me He wants transparency--not pride.  He wants nothing hidden.  And He reminded me you overcome difficulties by the word of your testimony.
     So here goes:

     The roots of my depression started in my teenage years.  For a time, I was placed in foster care because a family member had been molesting me for several years.  I didn't deal with any issues in my heart then--I really just stuffed everything and pretended I was ok.  On the surface, I was pretty cheerful and positive. 

     After graduation from high school, I married immediately and started having chiddren.  I had four in five years, so I was pretty busy with preschoolers for some time.  I didn't have tine to let my failing marriage bother me, either.  And when, after seven years, my marriage ended in divorce, I still didn't have time to concern myself with the issues in my heart.  I stuffed everything again, pretended I was ok, and I put on a happy face for my children.  After all, they needed me.

     Then, for awhile, life did seem to get better.  I married again.  This time, my marriage was good.  There was not a moment of my marriage I was sorry I had married Reynolds.  He was very good to me and the children, and our family was happy together.

     But then, after only three years, Reynolds became very ill.  Test after test revealed nothing to the doctors,, and consequently, the were unable to cure Reynolds.  My dear husband passed away of liver failure. 

     In my sorrow, I could no longer stuff the issues in my heart.  Depression set in, and I found it necessary to take medication for my depression.  I sought grief counseling, but I quit right away because I felt I was dwelling too much on my sorrow.

     Then I met Tom, and I was certain it was going to be better again.  Without going into details, let's just suffice it to say, it was not all better.  Tom and I married, but we were divorced within a year.  I went in to the marriage with no debt and a large cash inheritance.  I came out with all the debt and very little cash.

     The depression I was suffering from completely controlled me at this point.  I woke every day wishing I could put a bullet in my head and end it all, knowing I was not only not brave enough to actually hurt myself, and I had four children who depended on me to take care of them.  I tried again to pretend I was ok.

     But I was not ok.  I would spend days just driving around trying to cheer myself up and crying for hours instead.  I knew the medication I was taking for depression was not working properly, but I was no longer able to afford buying it.

     When I ran out of the medicine, I laid down on my living room floor, and I told God He would have to do something about this.  I poured my heart out to God, and I finally gave my depression and anger completely over to Him.  And miraculously, He took it all, and I have been delivered fron depression since.

     That should have been the end of the story, right?  But no, I still had not dealt with some of the issures in my heart.  I still had unresolved anger over the terrible circumstances in my life.  I didn't realize I was stuffing my emotions again.

     I had married Jack, my current husband, who is a delightful, wonderful man of God who loves me very much.  My life was much better, and I was growing in the Lord.  I was also seeing life long dreams coning true.  I landed a job as a teacher, and I was so happy.  I had finally become what God was calling me to.  However, after two years, I had to leave my teaching position.  I had put my heart and soul into doing the very best I could for my kids.  I had taught with passion and love, and still, after such a short tine, it ended in failure.

     The depression God had delivered me from was knocking on my door again.  This time, I focused my thoughts on my many, many failures.  I had failed at my calling, my job, my finances, and two of my marriages.  I was completely devastated, and once again, I blamed God.  I truly felt He had abandoned me and left me to struggle through with my own resources.  And I had no resources.

      The hardest part of this time was the confusion.  I couldn't figure out why I was facing this struggle with depression when I had experienced such victory in the past.  I kept asking God, "What is going on here?"

     God began to show me I was choosing thought patterns.  I was allowing my thought life to focus on the negative experiences and failures of the past.  Even knowing this, I still felt powerless and at the mercy of the horrible thoughts in my mind.  I had to admit, in my own power, I was not even able to choose my own thoughts correctly.  No matter how hard I tried, I still found myself in the depths of despair.

     God began to share with me the scripture in Revelation 12.  It says they, (the saints) overcame him (the enemy, and in my case it was depression) by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testinony.  I can't do this on my own, but that is why Jesus came and shed His blood.  The victory in my testimony is not about me and what I have done; that part is simply failure.  The victory is in Jesus and what He has done.  When I focus on that, then I can focus on God's true purpose for me.  He created me to worship Him, to be a blessing to others, and to freely share the love of Jesus with those who don't know it yet.  As long as I keep my mind on Him, then I will be at perfect peace, and depression cannot torment any longer.

Finding the Secret Place

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. And I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge, and my fortress, my God, in Him will I trust.

Psalm 91:1-2

My father used to work nights, and he often napped on the couch as my brother and I played quietly nearby. My very favorite spot to play during my daddy's napping times was right in the crook of his knees between him and the couch. I have never felt so safe as when I was sitting with my father so many years ago.

More recently, when I have needed to trust my Heavenly Father, I have not played so quietly at His feet. Instead, I have worried, fretted, and been ever-so-discontent. I am certain my behavior, though childish, was not God's idea of coming to Him like a little child! Most of my adult life I have wanted to trust God to take care of my every need and to find the secret place in Him that would keep me safe from the troubles of this world. But the problem in my heart was this: His secret place doesn't protect from troubles in this world, and I found myself disillusioned because I kept finding myself in quite unpleasant circumstances. It seemed as if God was not keeping His Word. Where was His protection, and where was this elusive secret place?

I wish I could say I prayed and prayed until I had a grand revelation to help me find God's secret place, but I didn't! It was more of a quiet transformation in my heart. God gently pushed me in the right direction, but there was no grand revelation.

In order to earn extra money, I work at a convenience store. In general, it's a great job. The managers are wonderful, the work is something I don't have to bring home with me, and the people I work with are nice. The job is located only about 3 1/2 miles from where I live, so it's a perfect situation.

Each night we have a list of chores to accomplish as we work. There is nothing unusual about it, and the list keeps us on track and busy for the night. One of the chores on the list has become particularly odious to me: dusting the shelf of the day. I especially dislike Sunday's shelf. The grocery display has many items to remove from the shelf before it can be dusted. Additionally, each item has to be checkd for expiration dates, and it takes a great deal of time to do the chore properly. It seemed to me I was stuck dusting this shelf every single Sunday night, and I spoiled my own mood with my thoughts. Finally, one Sunday night, I decided just to think about something happy and pleasant because I didn't want to ruin my night again.

I decided instead to think about photography and writing. That directed my mind to how beautiful the clouds had been, and I began thanking God for His creativity. And then it happened--God began communing with me. He told me about problems in my heart and how to pray to alleviate them. He told me how to pray for a relationship I was struggling with, and He told me how much He loved me and was delighted with me. I knew I had found His secret place. No one else was there, though customers were continuously in the store during this time. Joy filled my heart, and I wanted to dance about the store singing and praising m Heavenly Father. (I might have if I had been alone in the store!)

That joy lasted all night, but not one circumstance had changed. I still had to dust the shelf, and it still took a long time to finish. I realized the secret place of the Most High had nothing to do with outward circumstances. When I put my focus on God, circumstances no longer mattered. The only thing that mattered was Him.

So now, when I am faced with a difficult circumstance, I will be taking my mind to my Daddy's secret place. I can just imagine it: me in the safest place of all, right in the crook of His knees, between Him and the couch. Only Daddy isn't sleeping now. He's talking to me, sharing secrets with me, and telling me how much He loves me and delights in me.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Nothing captures my attention the way flowers do. Not only do I love the brilliant colors, but I also love the variety and delicate intricacies of each blossom. Flowers remind me of the creativity of God and His love for us. The beauty of the flowers around me declares how fearfully and wonderfully made each one of us truly is.

God is truly good!

Colorado possesses an incredible variety of flora, and the summer grasses are splattered with stunning, colorful bouquets (in the wet years!). These bouquets, and the individual flowers in them compel me to meditate on God's Word. As I took the pictures in this blog, God used their beauty to teach me of His beauty, and His reflection of beauty in me. The stories and meditations in this blog are the stories and meditations of a heart being transformed, and the pictures illustrate the beauty God is revealing and continues to reveal in my heart. Come meditate with me for awhile, and allow God to introduce you to His secret place and the beauty to be found there.