Overcoming Depression

     And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. 

     Revelation 12:20

     I've been having an argument with God!  It's not so much I think He's wrong; it's more I don't want to do what He's telling me to do.  When I started writing this book, it started out very simple--just the pictures and Sriptures to go with them.  But then, I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to write more and share parts of my testimony.  I felt Him saying, "Be transparent." 

     So then, when I started writing for this photo, nothing I wrote seemed to fit, and everything seemed trite.  So I consulted with the Holy Spirit, and I really didn't like what He told me.  I felt Him telling me I should share my struggle with depression, and that is what started my arguments.
     My first argument was the Scripture I had chosen didn't match.  That was no problem for God; He gave me a different Scripture.
    Then I argued I didn't know how to start sharing about this.  Again, this posed no problem for God!  He reminded me He asked me to be transparent, and the promptly gave several ideas to choos from.  To top it off, He had a friend of mine and my daughter both encourage me I could do this.
     Finally, I got down to the real issues in my heart.  I didn't want to share about my depression because I have a pride thing going.  How can I, after writing about finding the secret place with my Heavenly Father, admit I'm still in the process of finding healing for depression?  In my mind, I find no logic for the depression.  Plus, if I'm writing a book, I should be an example to others.  How can an admission of such a struggle be anything except a stumbling block to others?
     Once again, the Holy Spirit reminded me He wants transparency--not pride.  He wants nothing hidden.  And He reminded me you overcome difficulties by the word of your testimony.
     So here goes:

     The roots of my depression started in my teenage years.  For a time, I was placed in foster care because a family member had been molesting me for several years.  I didn't deal with any issues in my heart then--I really just stuffed everything and pretended I was ok.  On the surface, I was pretty cheerful and positive. 

     After graduation from high school, I married immediately and started having chiddren.  I had four in five years, so I was pretty busy with preschoolers for some time.  I didn't have tine to let my failing marriage bother me, either.  And when, after seven years, my marriage ended in divorce, I still didn't have time to concern myself with the issues in my heart.  I stuffed everything again, pretended I was ok, and I put on a happy face for my children.  After all, they needed me.

     Then, for awhile, life did seem to get better.  I married again.  This time, my marriage was good.  There was not a moment of my marriage I was sorry I had married Reynolds.  He was very good to me and the children, and our family was happy together.

     But then, after only three years, Reynolds became very ill.  Test after test revealed nothing to the doctors,, and consequently, the were unable to cure Reynolds.  My dear husband passed away of liver failure. 

     In my sorrow, I could no longer stuff the issues in my heart.  Depression set in, and I found it necessary to take medication for my depression.  I sought grief counseling, but I quit right away because I felt I was dwelling too much on my sorrow.

     Then I met Tom, and I was certain it was going to be better again.  Without going into details, let's just suffice it to say, it was not all better.  Tom and I married, but we were divorced within a year.  I went in to the marriage with no debt and a large cash inheritance.  I came out with all the debt and very little cash.

     The depression I was suffering from completely controlled me at this point.  I woke every day wishing I could put a bullet in my head and end it all, knowing I was not only not brave enough to actually hurt myself, and I had four children who depended on me to take care of them.  I tried again to pretend I was ok.

     But I was not ok.  I would spend days just driving around trying to cheer myself up and crying for hours instead.  I knew the medication I was taking for depression was not working properly, but I was no longer able to afford buying it.

     When I ran out of the medicine, I laid down on my living room floor, and I told God He would have to do something about this.  I poured my heart out to God, and I finally gave my depression and anger completely over to Him.  And miraculously, He took it all, and I have been delivered fron depression since.

     That should have been the end of the story, right?  But no, I still had not dealt with some of the issures in my heart.  I still had unresolved anger over the terrible circumstances in my life.  I didn't realize I was stuffing my emotions again.

     I had married Jack, my current husband, who is a delightful, wonderful man of God who loves me very much.  My life was much better, and I was growing in the Lord.  I was also seeing life long dreams coning true.  I landed a job as a teacher, and I was so happy.  I had finally become what God was calling me to.  However, after two years, I had to leave my teaching position.  I had put my heart and soul into doing the very best I could for my kids.  I had taught with passion and love, and still, after such a short tine, it ended in failure.

     The depression God had delivered me from was knocking on my door again.  This time, I focused my thoughts on my many, many failures.  I had failed at my calling, my job, my finances, and two of my marriages.  I was completely devastated, and once again, I blamed God.  I truly felt He had abandoned me and left me to struggle through with my own resources.  And I had no resources.

      The hardest part of this time was the confusion.  I couldn't figure out why I was facing this struggle with depression when I had experienced such victory in the past.  I kept asking God, "What is going on here?"

     God began to show me I was choosing thought patterns.  I was allowing my thought life to focus on the negative experiences and failures of the past.  Even knowing this, I still felt powerless and at the mercy of the horrible thoughts in my mind.  I had to admit, in my own power, I was not even able to choose my own thoughts correctly.  No matter how hard I tried, I still found myself in the depths of despair.

     God began to share with me the scripture in Revelation 12.  It says they, (the saints) overcame him (the enemy, and in my case it was depression) by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testinony.  I can't do this on my own, but that is why Jesus came and shed His blood.  The victory in my testimony is not about me and what I have done; that part is simply failure.  The victory is in Jesus and what He has done.  When I focus on that, then I can focus on God's true purpose for me.  He created me to worship Him, to be a blessing to others, and to freely share the love of Jesus with those who don't know it yet.  As long as I keep my mind on Him, then I will be at perfect peace, and depression cannot torment any longer.